we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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