life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
