Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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