Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
