Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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