Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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