Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
