youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
