I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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