drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We talked him into tasing himself.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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