i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
