you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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