The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
