when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
