That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
