literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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