I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
