just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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