I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
