I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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