so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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