Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
