tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So much rum. So many feels.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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