I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
