Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
