You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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