I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Im part way to drunk.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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