I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
