it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize