The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
