I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize