I think my fart just growled at me.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I supernannyed him into submission
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
