grandma shit on top of the toilet
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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