Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
