Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
