I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
