What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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