Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
