Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
