Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
