I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
