Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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