Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
