it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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