o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
