I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize