Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
