oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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