you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
