Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
