I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Randomize
