Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
