Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
