Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
