Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
