I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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