We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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