my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
whose parrot is this?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
