I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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