i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize