yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
