that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
