sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
