Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
