i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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