I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
