Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize